I will be stepping off Facebook for a while. I will keep my account active because I need it for my biz/blog, but will not be engaging. Normally, I would not feel the need to announce this. I’d just quietly delete the app and be done with it. But some things need to be expressed.
I went back and forth for a time trying to decide if I should even post this. I am non-confrontational and avoid pain at all costs. I have much to say so this will be just the beginning of my writing/processing on the subject. After prayer and deliberation among wise friends, I have decided to communicate this hurt in hopes that it may clear the path for others. Perhaps someone can learn from my own bruises and avoid causing unnecessary wounds.
It is exhausting and damaging for me to listen to conversations regarding race online
People on BOTH sides of the aisle really, REALLY suck at it. And to my more liberal/progressive people: your approach has been the source of some of my greatest hurts regarding race. I already have a Savior and if your name isn’t Jesus Christ, I’ll pass on your charity.
I have had SO MANY well meaning SJW’s whitesplain my personal history to me – why I am irrelevant because I do not fit the narrative. Go ahead and erase me. That’s fine. Do what you’ve got to do I guess. Also, Conservatives, this does not mean you have been so perfect either. Please stop asking me if my hair is real. Or telling me about your friend who’s black. It’s weird…
There is an onslaught of tension that I have experienced over this last year. It’s terribly difficult to navigate this season as a biracial woman. Unless you’re in that boat it will be difficult to explain. Truthfully, I am really weirded out and exhausted by a lot of the actions taken by white people trying to navigate that tension as well.
I have had people check in, not follow up, yet post immaculately articulated apologies. I have watched people spend more time arguing about the correct/incorrect AMOUNT of activism rather than being a good friend to those BIPOC people around them and asking them what they actually need/want. I have seen people constantly post articles, blogs, videos, podcasts, and more from people they don’t know and not bother listen, read, or watch the very few things I have posted about my own struggle as a biracial woman in this cluster of a dumpster fire.
Elevate melinated voices. Except mine isn’t melinated enough, right?
I’m checking my own prejudices, don’t you worry. But when I look in the mirror, I see a people who look similar to me but who’s suffering doesn’t feel like mine and another people who look similar to me but who’s full privilege doesn’t feel like mine. My ethnicity is summed up as “other”. I don’t want people falling at my feet. But let your words be few if your actions will be as well.
My mother engrained this proverbial “work” that everyone is tweeting about from a young age. Is there always more learning and growing I can do? Absolutely. But she raised me to see the humanity in all people and try to connect with them on their level/turf/context/culture/whatever fancy buzz word is going for the highest virtue signaling dollar these days. That the image of God was on each and every person.
So I go and do that work. I just go and….do it. I don’t need my social media page to be lit up like the forth of July to prove to you I’m doing something. I don’t need a trophy for treating people with respect or elevating others so you know I checked off my good deeds for the day.
Everybody has their reasons for what they post on social media. I can’t see into your heart and know what they are. But as someone who has struggled A LOT in this season, your words on Facebook literally mean nothing to me without action to back it up. I know they may be healing to some BIPOC to see people digitally standing with them. I’m not saying it’s wrong. It just doesn’t carry much weight on its own.
Your black square on your profile lets me know, at the very least, that you felt guilty enough to post it because you didn’t want people to think you’re a racist. That’s it. Because guess what? It generates a large group of praise for making such a publicly “bold” stance….for you. Meanwhile, I and others stand back with that one text you sent after George Floyd died to make sure you’re not a racist. Your ‘standing’ in solidarity doesn’t mean I feel safe around you.
The road to redemption has many lanes. Pick your lane and move forward. Allow other people to merge and join, even if they are at a different pace. Forward momentum is the goal and some will be moving faster than others. And I know this post won’t mean much to the people who are shouting the loudest, but social media is not equal to your action away from your screen.
Here’s the thing. If you ARE a racist, that is not my problem to fix. If you do have prejudices, that is not my problem to fix. I do not have the time and energy to go looking for racism, checking people that need to be heart checked, informing people why touching black women’s hair is a freaking huge cringefest, nor why you need to stop using the term ally.
I am not the racist police and I am not your teacher either. I am happy to share my experiences if you actually care about my life in the context of an established relationship. But I am not here to correct you, teach you, or exonerate you.
Navigating this current climate as a biracial woman is already utterly exhausting. The same is true for most BIPOC people. Your racism is not our problem.
I am going to inevitably bump into people who feel some type of way about me because of the color of my skin. Whatever boo…God sees you and I’ll leave it up to Him to check you. But I am going to walk forward confidently in this life and enjoy it to the fullest. You’re racism isn’t going to stop me. Even if it were to lead to my death, my life is meaningful before and after your racist acts. Your racism, while it may hurt, will not destroy my living of this life. God is my Father…best not to mess with His child.
There have been multiple white people who have come to me this year looking for absolution from past actions. It usually begins with a very broad apology or solidarity statement that is not linked to any specific past events. Similar to making the rounds at dinner tables as a newlywed couple at their wedding out of obligation. This is a weird, uncomfortable, and impossible role for me to play. It actually passes the burden of some guilt you feel onto me. What am I supposed to say in that moment?
If you are truly doing the “work” that you rave about on your social media, you wouldn’t issue a broad apology. You would know exactly what you were apologizing for.
Honestly, most of the time I said it’s fine because I was uncomfortable and wanted to move on. I didn’t really stand up for myself because this is all so raw and vulnerable and hard and weird and tense. But as I shake the dust off, I realize my own movement towards accepting an apology I’m confused by in order to move past the discomfort.
I’m tired. Tired of buzz words and social media activism. Of really long new fancy terms to describe my personal hell that make you feel really smart and gives you the upper hand in debates. Of actions and words that feel fueled by frenzy. Of feeling like I have to weigh everything in light of ‘was that racist’. Of ‘allyship’, #alllivesmatter, virtue signaling, and ‘I’ve been silent on social media but…’. Of my experience and the experience of my black family members being disregarded because it doesn’t fit any narrative. This is exhausting and honestly, Facebook just doesn’t help in any way.
I’m tired of my experience and the experience of my black family members being disregarded because it doesn’t fit in any narrative.
I have always believed that social media has the ability to be a positive place. I like to seek the redemption in all things. But for this season, Facebook is just not that for me. And it’s time to take a step back. I’m tired of being wrecked every time I hop on for an occasional scroll.
I truly say all of this out of exhaustion, not anger. If we haven’t talked for a while and you’re not sure what to do, I’m still rooting for you from afar! But I, and other black people you haven’t talked to in ages, don’t need you to come issue non-specific apologies, Venmo us coffee money, or ask us to join your anti-racist book club. We can’t absolve you anyways.
If you want to support me/us, just listen to what we have to say. I’m very active on Instagram. Support our art. Comment on our posts so that we know you’re rooting us on. Then ask God where your lane is in this fight for redemption, and get in it. Don’t worry about other peoples’ lanes. Just merge and at least GET in a lane.
Whatever lane you end up in, just let it be genuine. Let it be REAL. Let it be something that actually matters to you, and others. Let it be done in true humility and honest compassion for others.
My desire is that at the end of my life I can say before God and people, as Paul did, that “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” 2 Timothy 4:7
Dearest friend,
Last Fall I started a compost pile. To be completely honest, I have no idea what I am doing. I have read up on all the latest information on composting and I have found it may not be for me. I have promised myself to give it until this upcoming Fall and reassess. If you are not familiar with composting, it is a way to recycle organic matter like grass clippings, fruit/veggie cuttings, coffee grounds, ect. When you throw this all together in a strange lasagna type concoction, it breaks down over time to create a nutrient-rich soil. Many farmers and gardeners call this “black gold”. It is highly sought after because it helps create a healthy foundation for plants to flourish.
Three months ago I was planning content for The Rooted Journal and its social media accounts. After some thinking and praying, I decided to center around the word “Cultivate” in the month of April. With the world in upheaval, I had no idea how perfect it would all fit into the present. The dictionary defines cultivate like this:
There is a four letter cuss word that cultivate hinges on: work. Everyone enjoys the produce off a lush garden. But talk to any farmer/gardener and they will tell you it is hard work. It takes a lot of sweat on the back end in order to enjoy the organic produce from your back yard. It comes as no surprise that Jesus often used farming metaphors to impart wisdom or teach a concept. Our hearts and lives are a lot like the soil in a famers field. It is has the capacity to produce a harvest if we cultivate it. You cannot have a healthy harvest if you have unhealthy soil.
Where do we acquire this healthy soil to sow seeds for a harvest? We recycle the “unwanted parts” of our lives. When you chop up veggies for a stew, there are “ugly parts” you take the blade of your knife to. The stems, ends, and rough parts were all part of the entire plant at one point and essential during the growth process. When it comes to harvest them, however, we slice those pieces off. In the same way, there are moments in our lives that look or feel ugly that we want to chop off and throw away. Maybe you were at a party and felt lonely because you didn’t know anybody. Maybe you lost a friend. Maybe you are an extrovert stuck inside for an indefinite amount of time. Maybe you have no idea when your paycheck will start up again.
There are pieces of our lives, both big and small, that we want to cut off and throw away. But may I challenge you that perhaps these are the moments to compost rather than trash. Though we often throw away the cuttings from the kitchen, they can be essential food to produce a healthy composted soil. What was once unsightly and disposed has now been graphed into the foundation for a healthy crop that will one day find itself on your kitchen counter again. May I submit to you that the unsightly, bruised, and unwanted moments of your life can be “composted” to create a fertile foundation for growth and abundance?
Life is a cyclical journey of growth with changing seasons. We want to live fruitful lives. Valuable things come from valuable time invested. As you find yourself in this new season I encourage you to take a look at the moments you can compost. You are stuck inside during this pandemic. Compost it. Perhaps that time can become the pivot that your family needed to reconnect and flourish. You don’t know where your next paycheck is coming from. Compost it. Maybe this is a time for you to reach out to those who love you for help. You are missing your elderly loved ones. Compost it. Now you are finding time to recognize what your heart has taken for granted.
Those are just a few examples specific to walking through this pandemic. But the concept applies to every area and season of our lives. In our eagerness to complain about uncomfortable moments, there is a harvest waiting to be cultivated. I encourage you to take this next month to turn your perspective to a positive one. Preaching to Facebook choirs is rarely profitable for anyone. What is profitable is establishing a new rhythm of prioritizing positive perspectives. It is not disingenuous or gullible happiness. It is changing your lenses to view life through peace. Take in the good. Then acknowledge the things that need to be grieved, trim them, and compost them. As you continue to compost these moments through life, you will always have healthy soil on hand to sow new seeds in. Then, you wait for your harvest.
My parents divorced when I was ten years old. Perhaps some of the best lessons I have learned come from that great division between two people who were once bound by eternal vows. Both of my parents have been open about their shortcomings in marriage and shared with my brother and I how to avoid them in the future. Darryl and I are a coming up on our sixth wedding anniversary and I can honestly say those lessons have strengthened our marriage substantially. While I do not recommend divorce as a means to growth, it can be a wealth of knowledge for those who are willing to learn from it.
My mother is a strong, wise, capable, and independent woman. These are characteristics that she passed down to me throughout the years and I am forever grateful for. But she had some warnings for me as I began the path towards marriage. “It is easy for women who think like us to eventually take over and do everything our way. In marriage, this can be devastating to your husband and actually set him back. Be careful not to ‘just do it yourself’ all of the time. A truly good man will be secure in your independence as a wife, but that does not mean that you are completely independent of each other anymore. You are a team; you need to act like one.”
There are many more lessons that my mom passed down to me, but there was one in particular at the center point of health in our marriage. I made a decision before we got married not to reload the dishwasher. You may already be laughing because you have a sneaking suspicion where this is going. I have heard the “my husband loads the dishwasher wrong” conversation more times than I can count. Perhaps it isn’t the dishwasher. Maybe it’s the way they fold the towels, load the laundry, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or whatever other task they have responsibility of.
Darryl and I share the chores in the house, as I believe all households should. We divided these up before marriage so we would be prepared when rubber met the road. When it came down to cooking and doing the dishes, we equally loathed both tasks. So, we made a compromise. I would take responsibility of the cooking (sorry babe!) and Darryl would take responsibility of the dishes. Those first few times watching him load the dishwasher were painful. It is amazing that a woman who is relatively disorganized and far from a clean freak about freaked out over how her husband was loading up the dishes. THERE WAS SO MUCH MORE ROOM IN THERE DANG IT! But I made myself a promise. Do. Not. Reload. Don’t say anything. Don’t point it out. Don’t mention something in passing. No reverse psychology games. Nothing. Just let him do it the way he wants to do it.
At the end of the day, the dishes are still going to get washed. If he decides to hand wash the few dishes that he didn’t fit in there, who cares? In the time that it would take to explain the optimum capacity of the dishwasher and enlighten him on “the right way”, he would have been done and we would have been in a much happier mood. To this day, I have never reorganized the dishwasher. On one occasion we did have a discussion about the difference between just doing the dishes and cleaning kitchen, but other than that I have let him load as many (or few) dishes as he so pleases. I am just thankful that I have a husband who is actively involved in maintaining our home.
I know it sounds like a silly thing, but the lesson runs deeper than simply redoing something that someone else didn’t do our way. My rule of Don’t Reload The Dishwasher is really Don’t Waste Your Time on Something That Steals Joy in Your Relationship. Menial household chores can lead to major strife in any relationship. In some cases, there is legitimate reason to work through that disagreement. But if your spouse is willing to help, isn’t allowed to, then berated for not helping out more, how do you expect to foster a deeper relationship? Eventually resentment takes root and walls are built. At the core of every human lies a number of insecurities we battle on a daily basis. When we have to fix our spouses work to fit what we want, it often leaves that person retreating inward in confirmation of those insecurities.
By all means, if your spouse is about to drive off of a cliff tell them! But many times it is the smallest and unexpected things that trip us up in big ways. Is it truly the end of the world if the towels are folded slightly different than how you like them? Will all Hell break loose if the lawn isn’t mowed into perfectly straight lines? Will taking a different route in the grocery store end your life? These are common conversations I have heard among married people or those in long term relationships. Unfortunately, these habits also get passed down to children as well. I am not a mother but imagine the effect to be similar.
Though I have made this promise, I have certainly failed many times. I can remember a time very recently where Darryl and I were tiling a bathroom. I had experience, he didn’t. He watched through some YouTube videos and was giddy to give it a try. Almost immediately I was directing his every move and pointed out all the ways he was doing it wrong. Gently he looked at me and said, “Hon, I really want to learn how to do this. Can I just try to figure it out and follow along with these videos?” I was reminded very quickly about the commitment I had made and shut my dang mouth. The tile turned out beautifully.
This is an encouragement to all of us to focus on the things that matter most in our relationships. Are there areas that are stealing joy in your relationship? If folding the towels exactly how you want to is that important, is there another task you can release, even if it isn’t done exactly how you’d like it? Let me reiterate that these are not big ticket issues I am referring to. These are the small routine tasks that most humans have to keep up with. These are things that do not require your best energy. Is there a reason you are holding so tightly to a standard of how efficiently we load the dishwasher when there is someone capable of doing the task, just differently?
I am not a counselor but I would be willing to bet that letting go of a few of these things may bring some relief to you and your relationship. There are untold number of situations that I am not living in personally and therefore cannot directly speak to. But I think the overall lesson is a good lesson to bring with you wherever you go. Don’t waste your time on things that take away from the joy in your relationship. Or, as I like to call it, don’t reload the dishwasher.
Happy New Year everyone! You may be like many others who roll their eyes at ringing in the new year as people make hectic resolutions to improve their current situation. I, on the other hand, love the new year. Sure there will be many to make lofty goals and bail out within a month or two, but I still love it. Why? Thanks for asking!
New Beginnings
Just because the new year has begun does not mean everything in the past year stays stuck in the past year. If I had debt, that sucker is coming with me much to my dismay! But there is, however, something magical about the past year dropping off the calendar. It feels like a fresh start, a new beginning, or a second (or 500th) chance. Newness seems to enliven the soul and give it a new perspective for the future. There’s something powerfully motivating about having a new page to write on. There are so many possibilities and excitement flowing about in the atmosphere of our creative minds. The limitations that we face feel a little less scary in the wake of a new start. That particular feeling is precious to me at the new year. Depending on the year that I’ve had, sometimes I need that boost of energy to knock me into fresh vision. Which brings me to my next favorite part about this time of year…
Hindsight
While this can be painful, the new year always reminds me of who I was and what I experienced. Sometimes that can stack up to be a very painful year, sometimes full of joy. It shows me how far I have come. That can be the burst of confidence I need or the kick in the pants to get my butt in gear. While we shouldn’t dwell in the past or live in fear of it, I truly believe the past gives us our lessons for the future. The past is like a rose; its beauty has been praised throughout history but it is not without its thorns. It is in need of pruning and care. This past year may come with a number of thorns, but there is always beauty in it. It is the passport that proves we were here, took up space, and were a part of this world. I can’t help but get a little nostalgic when I prepare for the new year. I’m not the same person I was last year. Neither are you. And sometimes that is worth celebrating.
Renewal
Possibly one of my favorite parts about new years is that people tend to think the best about themselves. Even if they have no plan of action to sustain their resolutions, people have confidence in themselves that they can shift into a healthier place. In a world where so many people suffer from low self-esteem, I love watching people believe in themselves again, even if for a moment. It’s that time of year where there is a sense of renewed motivation and excitement for the future. People begin to dream again and set themselves to new adventures. You know what I feel this time of year? Hope. It feels like a whole lot of hope is in the air. Even if it is only for a moment, it truly is wonderful.
I eagerly hope that you harness the energy and newness of this beginning into your dreams, goals, and aspirations. I know I have a lot of vision for this year – decade really! – and I am ready to get moving on those adventures! I pray today is filled with hope for new things and resolve to hold onto the freshness of it all! Happy 2020! We’re coming for you!
Good Things Come To Those Who Work
It happened again the other day. I was sitting in bed, eating (non-dairy) chocolate chips, watching Golden Girls on DVD, and having an existential crisis. My mind was slowly slipping away into a pit of despair as I contemplated just how little I had accomplished in my life. As usual, I spent a fair bit of time moping about and wondering why life was blocking me from moving forward. It took about a millisecond to come up with a laundry list of reasons why I was unable to make any headway in my dreams/goals. It was then that my hubby began to talk me off of the ledge. He said, “You’ve been talking about being a writer and musician since we got married, yet in the five and a half years of being married you’ve never really done anything about that. Why do you try so hard to push against those dreams?”
I have heard “your dreams don’t work unless you do” enough times to make me physically ill. I gently nod my head with a yeah, yeah and move on to continue my dreary and dramatic moping. When Darryl asked me about my dreams, goals, and desires this mantra came to my mind. As he questioned where all my whimsical determination had gone, in typical fashion, I came up with an array of excuses why life had set me too far back. He gently continued to coax me to dig a little deeper. It was not long before I had run out of excuses and had to face the music. I was not moving forward because I was not working. He could see right through me.
They say that good things come to those who wait. Honestly, I think it could also be said that good things come to those who work. Work has become a cuss word to many of us. It does not matter what your background is, many of us struggle to embrace the idea of work as a good thing. We associate work with a dreaded 9-5 job where we are simply another cog in the machine. Of course this incorporates a type of work, but it is a job. A job is a place of employment. Work is action. Perhaps part of the problem is first finding purpose that is meaningful and therefore worthy of our best work. But even when some of us find that kind of work, there can be major mental blocks that stop us from ever putting in the effort. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe it’s past hurt. Maybe it’s new limitations we have to learn to live with.
Or maybe you are like me and realize that you put just enough effort in to make it look like you are working, but not enough effort to create forward momentum. I am the master of working a lot and never getting anything done. I don’t want to be thought of as lazy so I do a lot of things. I also enjoy the path of least resistance and quickly jump from task to task to avoid conflict and/or hardship. But I had to face myself in the mirror and recognize that some of the reasons why I’m still stuck in a rut is because I expect 110% reward for 20% effort. And that my friends was a very ugly truth I had to face.
I never set out to be that person. I do work hard but I also work on peripheral tasks that take away from meaningful work. When I spend so much time on tasks that distract me its easy to feel like I am getting a lot accomplished. At the same time I’m only ever really moving laterally. Many of us have been there before. Let me set the scene. You want to have a profitable blog so you dreamcast, create the perfect vision board, find your perfect niche, and get your branding on point. Now all you need is the content. Suddenly, you’re struck with paralysis but decide you’ve got to start somewhere. This blog isn’t going to write itself.
You begin with the goal of writing one blog post. That is manageable and realistic. You get distracted when you get to your desk because your office space has clutter so you decide to quickly tidy up. As you are cleaning off your desk you end up with a pile of papers that need to be organized. Since you still have a fair bit of motivation you figure you’ll get those organized. Once you finish organizing those papers, you notice you have no folders or place to put your newly organized pile of papers. After looking around you settle on a shelf you can rearrange to make space for the papers. As you do that, those items need a new home and decide to take them to a shelf the living room. When you get to the living room, there are a few odds and ends lying on that shelf that need to be moved in order to re-home your displaced items. This continues on and on and before you know it, you’ve gathered laundry, done the dishes, swept the floor, begun organizing your pantry, cleaned out the car, organized your purse, taken the dog on a walk, ran to the store for folders, stopped at your favorite coffee shop (and stayed for a half an hour chat), run a few errands, stopped by a thrift store, grabbed a few groceries that were on sale, washed the dog, and made umpteen number of lists for various projects. Finally, you sit back down at your computer to write that blog and realize you are completely out of motivation and the day is gone.
Don’t get me wrong, I wish I actually got this much done by accident. If you are in a similar boat as I am, you can definitely relate to this rat race. But I am trying to prove a point here. If writing that first blog post is the first step in your dreams/goals, then all those other tasks have derailed you. Another day has past and you’ve half-way and haphazardly checked off some to-do items but haven’t really gotten anywhere. You have focused your best energy on tasks that don’t require your best energy.
I am a huge victim of this. I waste the best of myself on tasks that do not actually require the best of myself. It was such a brutal realization to come to, but I have reached the end of my long list of excuses. A lot of life has happened and that definitely counts for something. Eventually life does move on with or without me. It does not wait for me to be fully prepared to jump back in. Eventually, I have to look at myself in the mirror and accept that the healing process is complete and I am allowing fear to stagnate me. As a millennial I hate being labeled as ‘entitled’ but there are definitely times I can feel myself leaning into that identity. I want life to be easy. Who doesn’t? I want to run at the first sign of resistance. But resistance creates pressure. Pressure creates power. And that power can be wielded to accomplish some really amazing things.
I am reclaiming the concept of work as a lifelong purpose rather than a dreary-some burden. I am learning to accept when resistance comes and leverage it for purpose. I am trying to promise the best of myself to the most meaningful work first. It will take time to reset that mindset, no doubt! But I want to give my best effort to the work that is most meaningful to me. If the journey truly is the destination then the end success isn’t the highest priority. The highest priority is waking up every day and giving your best energy to the work regardless of the outcome.
Disclaimer: This is an online journal of my personal musings. They are here as I wrestle through life as an encouragement to you. I am a Christ follower and my faith is very important to me. If we don’t share the same faith, political stances, background, or opinions, I believe you are of great value and hope you find a slice of encouragement just as much as someone who does. I disable comments to avoid trolls and my own ego, but reach out directly to me if you’d like to converse.
Today is my birthday and while many mourn the day they shift out of their 20s, I revel in it. I am excited for a new stage of life! I also realized today that I get to spend the entirety of my 30s in the 20s! Do I hear Great Gatsby themed parties for the decade?! I have a wide range of taste in both music and television, so I figured I’d compile list of quotes from some of my favorite movies that accurately describe my life currently and the journey up to 30. Some are funny, some are serious. Hope you enjoy! Here’s a little tidbit: you’re going to get older no matter what. Make every age a blast.