May 8, 2020

My Truest Confession: Writing Without Fear of my Faith


Running With Nowhere to Hide

I have been running from something for some time now. There is a part of me that knew it. There is another part of me that did not. I am a pretty serious empath and tend to care too much about what people think about me. Though I have been working on letting go of what others think about me, there are areas of my life where the fear of peoples’ opinions still has a stronghold. 

I’ve felt called to be a writer, musician, speaker, artist, and traveler. These have been lifelong dreams that I have had glimpses of, but have not been fully realized. I have had many phases of fear moving toward my purpose in these things. At first, it was the run of the mill fear that made me feel like I was not capable or worthy of such dreams.

Then I moved through self-doubt and years of low self-esteem following one of the hardest seasons of my life. Of course, I cannot leave out the many months of laziness, lack of motivation, and Netflix binging. Interspersed in there were bouts of indecision, creative overwhelm, time spent in my counselors office, overcommitment, perfectionism, and endless attempts to start something new. I recently thought this was it – I had figured out my ‘elevator speech’ and focus point for my blog – only to be frustrated by another creative block. 

Many of you know where I stand in my faith. I believe in God. I believe the Bible is true and authoritative for our lives. I have been a Christ follower my whole life and I am not ashamed of that. Or…was I? 


Cheese Fest

Growing up in the church I became painfully aware of how cheesy Christians could be. It was like we were trying to pass knock off versions of Girl Scout cookies as the real thing and call you a liar if you found out. Now, if any of the mainstream Christian media/entertainment world is encouraging and meaningful for you, more power to you. It’s personal preference.

But when I was growing up dealing with suicidal thoughts and deep familial tension, the weird Bible-study-based-on-the-latest-blockbuster-release-in-order-to-be-relevant just wasn’t cutting it. It was cheap and honestly just pissed me off. I had a deep and meaningful relationship with God but the platitudes of people who called themselves Christians just made me ill. God was complex, faithful, beautiful, and near to me. So why was our “Christian Culture” so far from that?

The list goes on from Christian movies, books, conferences, retreats, curriculums, blogs, and more that slapped the name ‘Jesus’ on it but hovered around surface level at best. It may feel like I am being harsh, and I am. What I see in Scripture doesn’t line up with what many Christ followers are offering the world. Not every person and/or church is like this. I have met many wonderful and deeply inspiring Christ followers that I see as role models and mentors. The faith community I am a part of now has been a place of extreme healing.


My Way or the Highway

It is safe to say that I am immediately rolling my eyes if someone says, “hey, you should check out this Christian thing”. There is some jaded-ness in there I’ve gotta work on, I know. But when I felt God tugging me to be a writer, musician, and speaker, I TOLD Him that I wasn’t going to be a Christian one. That world already had too many ridiculously cheesy and not helpful ones and I didn’t want to add to the noise. I am sure at this point God shook His head with a gentle sigh and said, “Alright, go ahead and try it your way”.

I tried the trying-to-be-cool-and-subtly-letting-you-know-I’m-a-Christian approach. I felt like I was being genuine. It was only recently that God showed me I was really being Amy Pholer in Mean Girls proclaiming, “I’m not a regular mom. I’m a cool mom. I’m a cool Christian”. I laughed and simultaneously gagged a little at what I was attempting. I cannot separate myself from my faith. I see everything through the lens of what God has done for me and what He is doing in the world. I cannot pretend to be ‘cool’ to the world when it comes to my faith because my faith is not ‘cool’.


That’s Not What I Said

I don’t know how many times I have said it, but I will say it again and again and again. God literally saved my life. From suicide. From crushing anxiety and depression. From fear. From giving into addictions. My faith isn’t some ‘cool’ thing I ascribe to and derive meaning from. It is my foundation and the most intimate part of who I am. 

With that harsh yet enlightening discovery, God said to me, “I never asked you to be another cheesy Christian writer. I never asked anybody to be that. I asked if you would be willing to be vulnerable with people, share your stories of victory, eat at the same table, and let people in on what I am doing in your life. I want you to be different, that’s why I made you that way. Would you be willing to do that for me?”

I was trying to do this whole thing without including my faith in God. I’ve been destroyed by multiple churches before so I know what Christian people are capable. I know what people are capable of. I know that there are abuses in the past and present that come from people who share my faith. I was afraid that if I ever truly spoke openly about my faith with others I would be grouped into the same group of people that hurt me most. I was afraid of being labeled as all the negative things that come to mind when you think of the ‘crazy Christians’ (in a bad way lol). 


Truth Hurts

I am human. I am going to make mistakes while carrying my cross of Christ. I am going to say things and make assumptions about people in a way that makes Jesus look like a farce. I am simply on a journey to becoming more like Him even when I mess it up. And it is a looooooong journey of transformation. I have a long list of mistakes that continues to grow, hopefully at a slower rate over time. But my hearts desire is always growth. I know that and do not have to try and convince others of that. My life will have to hold the evidence of the fruit. 

The truth is, people may group me in with the same people I don’t want to be grouped with. I cannot control that. But to separate the most intimate part of my life from my deepest longings and dreams while trying to tout it as ‘being real’ is fake, irresponsible, and not fair to you. I have always promised to be vulnerable and open with people. I cannot do that apart from my faith. 


New Direction

Overall, I think the vision I had for the Rooted Journal was always what God had in mind. I’m writing this declaration for myself, so that I can set this as a cornerstone for the future. I also am writing this for you. I will be writing more about my faith. You may not believe the same things that I do. You are always more than welcome. But, I also understand if it isn’t something you want to participate in either. Either way, there’s always room at my table. I may not be perfect, but I am progressing.

I’ll be focusing a lot of my writing on faith related topics as well. I still want to talk style, beauty/fashion, home DIY projects, health and fitness, gardening, and more! But I think it is unfair to everyone, myself included, to keep my identity as a Christ follower in the shadows in an attempt to gain a wider audience. Wow, that sounds really ugly writing that out loud. Yet, I promised I would be honest.

Thank you for sharing this space with me. This is who I am and I cannot pretend to be anything else. I think my years of creative blocks and creative overwhelms are proof that running from yourself really doesn’t work. Know that I love you and I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. May this weird blog confession thing find you in good health and good spirits!

My Truest Confession
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July 8, 2016

A Year Through the Gospels: Week 20 | The Signs of Jesus

This is the twentieth installment in a yearlong series. You can find the previous installments here.

John 2:1–11 The Wedding at Cana

“On the third day there was a wedding at Cana in Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. Jesus also was invited to the wedding with his disciples. When the wine ran out, the mother of Jesus said to him, “They have no wine.” And Jesus said to her, “Woman, what does this have to do with me? My hour has not yet come.”His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.” 

Now there were six stone water jars there for the Jewish rites of purification, each holding twenty or thirty gallons.Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water.” And they filled them up to the brim. And he said to them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the feast.” So they took it. When the master of the feast tasted the water now become wine, and did not know where it came from (though the servants who had drawn the water knew), the master of the feast called the bridegroom and said to him, “Everyone serves the good wine first, and when people have drunk freely, then the poor wine. But you have kept the good wine until now.” This, the first of his signs, Jesus did at Cana in Galilee, and manifested his glory. And his disciples believed in him.”

The Gospel of John was written with deliberate thought and intent. John wanted to capture a deeper level of Jesus’ life and ministry than what was in Matthew, Mark, and Luke. He chose different stories, different dialogs, and different teachings, but John did not choose them just for the sake of being different. He wanted to show us something that was not already jumping out at us from the pages of another book. He wanted to show us something deeper, something visible only through God’s eyes: Jesus is not just the Jewish Messiah, or only the savior of the oppressed, but he is the savior of the human condition; he is the savior for the parts of us that we do not know are broken. Throughout his gospel, John illustrates why humanity needs such a savior and that Jesus is indeed that savior.

In the first twelve chapters of John, Jesus performs twelve signs that are supposed to reveal to us who he is. Some of these are miracles like turning the water into wine or raising Lazarus from the dead, whereas others demonstrate this through actions and conversations such as the cleansing of the temple or Jesus’ conversation with Nicodemus. John explained his purpose behind using these narratives to tell the overall story of Jesus. He wrote “Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of the disciples, which are not written in this book; but these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.” (John 20:30–31 ESV). John chose these stories so that all of humanity might know that we are dead in our current condition but that Jesus is the source of life.

Jesus’ twelve signs:

  1. Wedding at Cana (2:1-12)
  2. Cleansing the Temple (2:13-25)
  3. Conversation with Nicodemus (3:1-21)
  4. Woman at the Well (4:1-42)
  5. Healing the Official’s son(4:43-54)
  6. Healing on the Sabbath (5:1-47)
  7. Feeding of the Five Thousand & Bread of Life (6:1-71)
  8. Teachings on his Identity (7-9:41)
  9. The Good Shepherd & Unity with the Father (10:1-39)
  10. John the Baptist Prepared the way (10:40-42)
  11. Raising of Lazarus (11:1-57)
  12. Anointed for death & Triumphal Entry (12:1-50)
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July 6, 2016

Nothing Is Wasted: Every Piece Has A Place

There was plenty of grass in that place, so they sat down. The men numbered about 5,000. Then Jesus took the loaves, and after giving thanks He distributed them to those who were seated — so also with the fish, as much as they wanted. When they were full, He told His disciples, “Collect the leftovers so that nothing is wasted.” So they collected them and filled 12 baskets with the pieces from the five barley loaves that were left over by those who had eaten. -John 6:11-13

As I was driving this morning, this passage surfaced on my audio Bible. As I listened to this very familiar passage, I was struck by something that had not stood out to me in the past. In verse 11, Jesus tells his disciples to collect the leftovers so that nothing is wasted. Right there. Those three words; nothing is wasted.

If you are like me, you love leftovers. I will try and eat every last ounce of food in the fridge so that I do not have to throw it out. Certain foods seem to get tastier as they marinate in the fridge for a day or two. But alas, there always comes a time where I miss that one Tupperware shoved to the back when the new groceries get delivered to the front row. Eventually, when said Tupperware is found, I have to throw it out. It has been too long, to my dismay, and the food has spoiled.

For those of us who are in Christ, this will never be the case. Nothing is ever wasted with God. What a refreshing thought. There will be no spoiled leftovers with Jesus. In another famous passage, Paul has just communicated the depth of understanding that the Holy Spirit has in those He indwells. He weeps with us and prays on our behalf. And then, in famous finale, Paul writes,

“For we know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.”-Romans 8:28

We could spend days parsing and picking apart this verse. God recalled this verse to my memory this morning. For those who love God and have accepted His call in their lives, everything will work together for His glory and our good. Again, NOTHING is wasted.

The degree you never finished? Nothing is wasted. The years you spent living an unhealthy lifestyle? Nothing is wasted. The countless “failures” and “oops”? Nothing is wasted. That decision you wish you had or had not made? Nothing is wasted. The waiting period in-between seasons? Nothing is wasted. The church hurt from your past? Nothing is wasted. The lost friendship? Nothing is wasted. The 45 minutes you took to get your kids to church? Nothing is wasted. The successes you have experienced? Nothing is wasted.

I felt this enormous wave of peace crash over my heart as those words sunk in. I do not know what the future holds. Just like everyone else there are times I look back over my past and wonder what would have happened if I did something differently. Just like everyone else I hit seasons of waiting and trial. Let us not forget that God does not waste anything. He does not waste time. He does not waste opportunities. He does not waste relationships. Nothing that is placed into the ever loving hands of God will ever be wasted, forgotten, or misused.

Brothers and sisters in Christ, you have been placed into His hands. The result is this: nothing in your life is wasted. Even your mistakes and deepest sins. Why? Because Jesus Christ’s sacrifice has covered over it all. We must be careful not to use His grace as a license to sin, but when we do, His redemption turns our failures into a testimony for His glory. Without Him, every moment of our lives would ultimately end with no purpose. In Him, every single action is used for His glory and our good.

In your waiting, praying, and hoping. In your joy, sorrow, and work. In your obedience, sin, and confession. May we find rest in this truth as we remember that with God, nothing is wasted.

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July 5, 2016

A Year Through the Gospel: Week 19 | What Are You Seeking?

This is the nineteenth installment in a yearlong series. You can find the previous installments here.

The Gospel of John is one of the most pivotal books of the whole Bible. Its unique depiction of Jesus’ life – who he is, why he lived, what he taught, and why he died – has drawn millions of people to pour over its pages to discover who the most iconic person in history really is. It is for this reason that we instruct both new Christians and those who are still seeking to read John’s Gospel before they read anything else. John provides many foundational verses such as the poetic introduction in chapter one, Jesus’ conversation with Nicodemus in chapter three, the woman at the well in chapter four, the woman caught in adultery in chapters seven and eight, and many testimonials about Jesus’ relationship with the Father throughout the whole book.

It is believed that Jesus’ disciple named John wrote this book. John was one of the sons of Zebedee, was one of Jesus’ three closest companions, and is referred to as “the disciple whom Jesus loved” throughout the book. Most scholars believe John was written at the end of the first century, probably somewhere around A.D. 90. An earlier date, around A.D. 50, is also suggested. The dispute is centered around whether John wrote before the destruction of the Jewish temple in Jerusalem in A.D. 70 or after. The evidence supporting a later date includes John’s distinct narrative differences from the other three gospels (as if he wanted to write a gospel that included information that the others did not). John also includes details that possibly allude to the deaths James (A.D. 44) and Peter (between A.D. 64 and 68).

John offers us a a unique encounter with Jesus, and Jesus himself invites us into it. In chapter one, John the Baptist notices Jesus and tells his disciples that Jesus is the Lamb of God. When they hear this, the two disciples leave John and follow Jesus. When he realizes they are following him, Jesus turns and asks them “What are you seeking?” (verse 1:35-38). Jesus’ question to these two men is simple but powerful, and it is what he asks all of us when we open the book of John: “Why are you reading this? Why are you interested? What are you seeking? What do you hope to find?” There is a longing of completeness that those of us who open this book cannot help but feel. We are drawn to its pages in the same way John’s disciples were drawn to Jesus: because the feeling of being incomplete has been crying out inside of us for as long as we can remember, but in the presence of Jesus it is quieted and there is peace. The Gospel of John brings us into a special encounter with Jesus, an encounter that satisfies our searching and restless souls.

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June 22, 2016

A Year Through the Gospels: Week 18 | Bodily Resurrection

This is the eighteenth installment in a yearlong series. You can find the previous installments here.

Luke 24:36–43 ESV Jesus’ Bodily Resurrection

“As they were talking about these things, Jesus himself stood among them, and said to them, “Peace to you!” But they were startled and frightened and thought they saw a spirit. And he said to them, “Why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? See my hands and my feet, that it is I myself. Touch me, and see. For a spirit does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have.”And when he had said this, he showed them his hands and his feet. And while they still disbelieved for joy and were marveling, he said to them, “Have you anything here to eat?”They gave him a piece of broiled fish,and he took it and ate before them.”

Luke’s account of Jesus’ resurrection dispelled the mystical speculations that were common in the first century. One such common belief among the Greeks was that the physical realm was inferior to the spiritual realm. This line of thinking was called Gnosticism, which derived from the Greek word gnosis, meaning knowledge. Although Gnosticism was not a formal religion, per se, it had a core belief of a dualistic reality made up of a physical realm and an intellectual or spiritual realm. The intellectual realm was the superior realm, and the physical realm was a creation attempt by an inferior god. Before creation, humanity existed in the spiritual realm by means of a Divine Spark of life. When the physical realm was created, the existing spiritual realm became trapped within a physical body within the physical realm. The ultimate pursuit of humanity, therefore, is to become fully aware of one’s limitations within the physical realm and transcend back into the spiritual realm by means of acquiring the proper knowledge (gnosis). To the Gnostics, anything made of matter was corrupted and an inferior state of being. Furthermore, this philosophy made the Gnostics elitists, and they claimed to have knowledge that the common folk did not have. Jesus’ resurrection conflicted with this philosophy because he rose again in bodily form. He was a spirit or a ghost. He showed them the reality of his existence by having them touch his hands and feet. “Touch and see” he said “for a spirit does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have.” And then, in case any doubt yet remained in them, he ask for a fish and ate it in their presence. Through the bodily resurrection of Jesus, God distanced himself from the Gnostic idea that matter is corrupted and inferior. God’s plan is to redeem his creation, not dispose of it entirely. Jesus’ bodily resurrection gives us a glimpse of what the final resurrection will look like when God redeems his creation and dwells amongst it for eternity.

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May 27, 2016

A Year Through the Gospels: Week 17 | Forgiven Much

This is the seventeenth installment in a yearlong series. You can find the previous installments here.

We often hear about how Christianity is a relationship with God. This is definitely true, but what does that relationship look like? What are the parameters that define this relationship? What is the role of each party, and how should we view God in such a relationship? To find the answers to these questions, we need to look at a very special woman in the New Testament.

Luke 7:36–50 He Who Is Forgiven Much, Loves Much

“One of the Pharisees asked him to eat with him, and he went into the Pharisee’s house and reclined at the table. And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner.” And Jesus answering said to him, “Simon, I have something to say to you.” And he answered, “Say it, Teacher.” 

“A certain moneylender had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty.When they could not pay, he cancelled the debt of both. Now which of them will love him more?”Simon answered, “The one, I suppose, for whom he cancelled the larger debt.” And he said to him, “You have judged rightly.”Then turning toward the woman he said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair.You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet.You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment.Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.”And he said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”Then those who were at table with him began to say among themselves, “Who is this, who even forgives sins?” And he said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.””

This is one of the most emotional passages in Luke. The woman is shamelessly weeping and worshiping her savior in public, and Jesus defends her in front of everyone. It is also one of the few passages that appears in all four of the gospels. The woman remains unnamed in Luke’s account, but she is described as “a woman of the city” and “a sinner.” Based on this description, and the way the dinner host reacted to her presence, there is a good chance that this woman was a prostitute. Matthew, Mark, and John shed more light on the story. They all indicate that Jesus was in the town of Bethany. We find out in Luke that the host’s name was Simon (verse 40); Matthew and Mark tell us that Simon was a leper (Matt. 26:6; Mark 14:3). John talks about this story twice. In chapter 11, John tells the story of Lazarus, who had two sisters, Mary and Martha, and it was Mary who anointed Jesus’ feet (John 11:1-2). Then, in chapter 12, we actually see John’s account of Mary anointing Jesus’ feet (12:1-8). Unfortunately, identifying the woman as Mary does not clearly indicate who she was. This Mary is often called Mary of Bethany because she lived in Bethany, but we do not know if Mary of Bethany is the same as Mary Magdalene- who is sometimes believed to be the woman of this story because she is thought to have been a prostitute. Fortunately, knowing exactly who each Mary was and what each of them did is not the most important concern regarding our study of the gospels.

Jesus’ words are always profound, but the things he says to Simon in this passage are an important lesson for all of us. Jesus tells a brief parable in which two men owed separate debts to the same moneylender. The amount they owed was recorded as denarii. Denarii is the plural form of denarius, which was a day’s wage. One of the debtors owed five hundred denarii, and the other only owed fifty. The moneylender, for whatever reason, decided to rescind both debts. Jesus then asks Simon “Now, which one of them will love him more?” Simon correctly answers that the man who had the greater debt will love the moneylender more. From here, Jesus compares the way Simon and this woman have treated him during the dinner party. Simon failed to extend loving hospitality to Jesus, but the woman’s actions mimicked that hospitality: Simon did not offer Jesus any water to clean his feet, but the woman washed them with her hair and tears. Simon did not great him with a customary kiss on the hand or cheek, but the woman would not stop kissing his feet. Simon was not willing to offer Jesus any of his oil, which was used as both a sign of hospitality and as a lotion for the skin and hair, but the woman poured her ointment on his feet- one of the dirtiest parts of the body. The actions of Simon and the woman represent the love they each have for him in their hearts, and that love is rooted in gratefulness. If Simon and the woman were the two debtors from Jesus’ parable, Simon would be the one who owed fifty denarii, and the woman would owe five hundred. Simon did not feel as though he had been forgiven very much, which resulted in a low level of gratefulness. The woman, on the other hand, believed she had been forgiven much, which resulted in a high level of gratefulness. Those who know how much forgiveness had to be extended for them to be saved are grateful for that forgiveness and love the source of that forgiveness, Jesus. Those who do no know how much forgiveness they need to be saved are not grateful and do not extend love to Jesus but are actually offended.

Forgiveness is required for salvation, but we only accept that forgiveness when we feel the weight of the debt. The debtor who owed 500 denarii needed to give 100% of his wages to the moneylender for slightly less than a year and a half. The debtor who owed fifty probably only needed to work for a few weeks and then scrounge up the rest of the money elsewhere. We feel the weight of our debts when we know there is no way to get out of them without some sort of pain: time, hunger, servitude, oppressive working conditions, money, etc. A smaller debt that we can wiggle out of without experiencing pain does not impress upon us the actual weight of the debt. We get out of it somehow, and we move on without thinking twice about it. When it comes to God, all of us are in the situation of the man who owed 500 denarii. We cannot get out of it, and we cannot pay it. The only way for us to survive is for it to be forgiven. Recognizing the reality of our desperate situation results in us falling at Jesus’ feet and accepting the forgiveness he extended to us.

It is easy for us to view forgiveness and grace as a mutual agreement drawn up between two equal parties; “I agree that God deserves to be recognized as God, and, in turn, he grants me salvation.” This is not how it works. We owe a debt to God that we cannot pay back. Forgiveness and grace will be placed in their proper perspectives when we get their meanings through this passage. The reason this passage is one of the few that appears in all four gospels is because it reveals to us an unmistakably vivid picture of how we ought to understand our relationship with God and how to feel grateful towards him.

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